Sunday, May 4, 2014

The Argument

Hello My Fellow Writers! I know that has been a while since you have heard from me, but as we all know sometimes life can grab us by the boo boo!!! Well I finally did it, I am finally graduating! During this final semester I had the privilege and joy of taking a Creative Writing class and Professor Knox was a joy to have as a teach mentor and fellow writer. This is one of  stories for my class. Please enjoy as I present... The argument...


     I see them walking down the street, just like they have every single week since I have moved to this neighborhood in the 5th grade some 5 odd years ago. Why do they even take this walk every week? I wonder. You can tell they are far from happy with each other, but week after week here they come.
     As they stroll down the broken sidewalk it always starts the same. They are laughing and joking as they walk hand in hand. They sit down on the same worn out bench on the east side of the park and start talking about their plans for the week. I don’t even know why I listen, I feel so nosey, yet I cannot help myself. It’s like my very own reality show, right outside my window.
     The bench they are sitting on seems to be the perfect spot in the whole place. The breeze hits ever so softly against your face and in the evenings the sunset from that spot is like looking straight into heaven. The street lights are beginning to flicker indicating it is almost time for many to go. Parents and their children are playing on the swings and I can hear yelling, laughter, and the occasional bark of a dog. It is still very loud, but my ears are able to zero in on this couples conversation, everything else around me turns into a low hum.
    After the laughter and jokes, the girl she says something wrong, just as she normally does. I do not know what she says that makes him so angry, that’s one part I have yet to figure out.  However every week there is always something that she does that makes the man so angry. To me it seems to be because she has a mind of her own. Am I too young to understand?
     She says, “I want the new house decorated modern, it is time to throw everything out.” I step back. Oh no! Doesn’t she know him? Even I know him by now. The man is gorgeous; you can tell he is Hispanic, but gives new meaning to the term tall, dark, and handsome. His best feature are those almond shaped, piercing dark brown eyes with eyelash’s that go for miles, so much that I am jealous of him, they look like they should belong to a girl, yet on him they go perfect. That is until the man gets angry.
     The look of love in his eye changes like a gust in the wind. Those same beautiful eyes change so quickly that you think that you’re looking at another person. They glass over and they seem darker than before. The lines in his forehead deepen and his frown shows a preview what is about to come. His breathing begins to quicken, as he stares straight ahead like as if his body is made of stone.  Instead of telling the girl how much it hurts him that she wants to change the house after he worked so hard to make it perfect for her, he just sits there thinking not only of why he is mad at her for wanting to make these changes, but about every fight that they have had in the last two weeks, so that he is prepared with ammunition should he need a come back.
     Those once beautiful eyes look at the girl was such disgust and hate it is hard to even imagine that they have ever been in love. There must be something about this girl he loved once. She looks so tiny next to him; at least a foot shorter. She is also Hispanic, but almost looks white she’s so light. She has huge dark down eyes with almost no lashes at all and when she smiles it creates these deep dimples across each of her cheeks. I love her hair as it flows down to her waist with curls that I have only seen on the teen magazines I obsess over. She is not skinny, but definitely far from fat, with her very large top and hips perfectly done, you can see why he stays around, even if he always seems to always be angry with her. I wonder if my body will look like that someday? I look in the mirror each day hoping that it will become just a little more like hers.
     The girl always seems so positive, a look of love and hope gleaming in her eyes. She always has so much to say and so many questions to ask that sometimes it can be hard to keep up with the conversation at times. Many times he has to sometimes tell her to slow down so that he can keep up with it all. 
     I can tell she’s done it now. Even tough she knows that his anger is something to fear she cannot help herself she wants to know what’s on his mind. Does he like my idea? Why does he look like that? Did I say something wrong? She then begins to realize that she really angered him, but cannot understand herself since in her mind there is no reason to be mad. Her mind starts going rampant by this time and she starts getting upset and really anxious. Why does everything I say make him mad? How bad is going to be this time? What can I do or day to avoid the argument if I don’t know what I’ve done wrong? 
     She starts biting her lip waiting for him to say something. Her nervous twitch I call it starts happening. She scratches her head and begins playing with her hair.  She begins to tap her right foot against the bench. She tends to do this every time that she starts getting nervous or upset.
     “What now?” she finally says with a deep frustrated sigh.
     “What do you mean what now? What is wrong with the way things are now?” he replies his tone clearly giving her a warning that she better answer correctly. “What’s wrong with the things we have now? Are they not good enough for you?”
      She tries to explain, but its too late now. “I never said that. I just thought since we are moving into a new house maybe we can start fresh. You know a new start. Why don’t you let me do things my way? So what if I want something knew? Is it so hard for you to understand that?” she argues with attitude in her voice.
     He rolls his eyes. “Sure you did. You know what you’re nothing but a jerk. You want new stuff fine, but don’t ask me for help with setting it up.”
            I peek out the window and look at the girl. She sits there still shaking her right leg as tears start to fill up those huge Bambi eyes. I feel so bad for her, but then I think, “What if she really is a snob?” I start feeling sorry for him too. You can see she is willing herself not to cry, and although she tries her best a single tear makes its way down her cheek. She wipes it away from her quickly so that he doesn’t see. I try my best to turn away, but this is when it really starts getting good.
            “Why do you always have to be so mean?” she says ever so softly.
            “Boo hoo!” he smirks, “why so you always have to cry like a baby. What? You wanted to be all high and mighty, now you want to cry?”
            “I don’t know. It just hurts me when you say ugly things like that to me.”
            “Then why do you say stupid things to piss me off?” His nostrils are flaring; his eyes are glassed over with rage.
            “I’m sorry. I didn’t know that would make you mad.”
            “What are you stupid, simple, or slow?” he says as he gets up and storms off. Let him leave, I am thinking to myself.
     She sits there crying even more now that he’s walked off because the more she does it in front of him the angrier he becomes. Just when I think she has finally had enough of this man she sprints down the street after him, just like many other weeks before.
            “Please don’t go! We can work things out! Please. Fine whatever you want, we can leave things the way that they are,” she pleads pathetically as she chases him down the street.
            “Why do you want to piss me off all the time? Quit crying, you’re nothing but a nag who all she does is groan, moan, and complain. No way I am leaving your pathetic self cause when you talk to me like that I feel like backhanding you across the face,” he yells.
He doesn’t even care that he has gotten the attention of other patrons in the park. Many of them look concerned and even embarrassed for her, yet no one does anything to help. Would he dare hit her?  I want to walk across the street over and try to help myself, but I am too stunned and my feet won’t move from beneath me.
     I sit there for a moment, my heart completely crushed. Is this what relationships are really like? If this is that case I will be alone forever. All the fairy tales I watched throughout my childhood years all but forgotten. There is no white in shining armor. I feel betrayed. Is there really no such thing as happy ever after?
     I regain my composure, wipe the tears away from my eyes that I didn’t even know that were there and quickly stand up. What if he hurts her? What if she hurts him? Just as I am about to run out the door, I look out the window and what do I see? I am more confused than I was before. They are hugging each other. My mouth is hitting the floor.
     “I am so sorry, let’s not fight.” She replies, as she holds onto him ever so tight.
     “It is okay. I love you,” he says with a smile on his face. They walk back up the sidewalk hand in hand laughing; ready to tackle on the week as if all those hateful words were never said.
     I am dumbfounded, sad, and in awe all at once. Is this the way that love is supposed to be? Will I know that a man loves me because he says things to bring me down then lifts me back up? If the movies have taught me anything, it’s that a man is supposed to sweep me off my feet. I am not sure how much longer I can watch these two? As much as I cannot help myself I must learn how to control it. I may be young, but I don’t want love to me like this! I want it to be like it is in romantic comedies. Maybe I’ll as my mom if I can trade her rooms; her window looks out to some buildings. Buildings can let me believe in the fairy tale.






Saturday, November 16, 2013

Dear Me...

Dear Me,

How are you?  I look at you and you seem to be doing fine.  Are you? Last, I heard you were not too well. Things are going awry in your life, why are smiling so much? Oh, yea. It's because you fake it so no one knows. Knows how unhappy your life is. No one knows how much you want to just run away. Does anyone even know how much you cry every day? Would they even care? Years ago when you were rock bottom are starting to look real good right about now. At least then you were honest with yourself. You knew who you were and who you were with. Your life wasn't just one big lie! Who are you now? What happened to the person that loved herself, even with all her flaws. How do let someone make you so pathetic? What a joke. That you'd rather be back to your bad self, then the fake one that you are today. Your heart is so cold. You used to be a dreamer, even though you knew life was hard. You don't dream anymore. You look in the mirror and see reality in all it's disgusting glory. At least back then you had hope. Where's your hope now? I heard you let someone make you stupid. Haha dumb girl even the drugs told the truth. What happened to the girl who was so full of faith, love, and hope. Did you really let yourself become the pathetic loser of making your life about someone else's? I know you would do anything for kids, but did you ever think you would be subjected to this. No one knows what it's like, no one has a clue. Haha you cripple bitch what a fool!!! You sit there and smile and make small jokes to try and push it away, but guess what your stuck. Your misery is here to stay. He doesn't love you you idiot. He never has! You were the only one living in the fantasy of what you thought was love. The only thing that keeps you from crashing your car into a wall is the love of your kids, you better hold on tight. Your stuck, you're not loved, you're just a shell, a whore, a bitch, not even a woman! So he says.Haha what a joke you are that your family doesn't even love you. You forced to hear this all time. Can't take it back; can't hit rewind.Life is not short... It is VERY LONG. Good Luck...

Miserably Yours,
Myself

Dear Myself,

I am doing fine. I may not have been doing well, but I am now. Yea,so what if no one knows, I have always been a glass half full kind of person. I don't change one relationship for another and don't like everyone knowing business. Sure I have thought of running away, but then God puts things in perspective for me and its gone in a flash. Yes, I was crying a lot and I will admit I still cry at night. How could you not when you find out that the life that you have been living has all big one lie? No way would I ever go back to the old me. Yes, the drugs are the easy way out, but did you think that I'd let him win so easily? For a while I was struggling to find out who I really was. I lost my way and let someone else become my life. That is so easy for me. I am not the easiest person and I have made my share of mistakes, but what happens when the anger that someone has for you turns into hate? Reality has sunk it, I will say I am no longer a dreamer. At least, not for myself. But oh do I have big dreams for my children! That is why I must leave now. I want my children to dream and dream big! I want them to believe in the fairy tale of Happily Ever After, but yet still warn them how easily it can become a big disaster. Yea, his anger is crazy, but there was still so much too love. It wasn't when the negative outweighed the positive that I knew that I was ready to run. I cannot do that overnight, so many lives are at stake. How do I tell them that it is just us now? I will never talk badly about him to children, even though he says he is going to tell them its all my fault. I still have hope that by then he will grow up and finally see that lying to them is only hurting them, its not hurting me. I know I have Fibromyalgia and can sometimes not move. This was not my choice, there are even days that I can't even move! I know thats no ones fault and because I still love him I want to set him free. I am tired of the resentment, the anger, and the pain. I have enough of that in body, I don't need it in my soul, I am going insane. I could never be so selfish to hurt myself self too many people need me so. As for my family, what can you do? Having expectations of others will always make you blue. I am happy with who I am today although there are things I wish I could say. I am sorry are only words, but I know that I am, and never again will I stray. It's time to say its over, we have reached the end. Although we lost our foundation, I pray we can still be friends. He has changed in my life in good ways too. He's my best friend, the father of my kids, he is all I really knew. Life is too short so its time for me to fly... Broken Wing and All. Good Bye dear Pain Good Bye!

Hopefully Yours,
ME!!!!!

Thursday, November 14, 2013

To Say Thank You ...



I created this Video for the Women in my life who mean the world to me and that I love more than anything in the world! Thank you can not express the gratitude and love I feel for each one of you for being there for me when no one else. You loved me when I could even love myself! Heres to you!

Saturday, November 9, 2013

A Day in The Life of Me

It has been so long since I have had to opportunity to write on my blog. Apparently, there were a lot of "technical difficulties" with my domain name, etc and whatnot. So much has happened since the last time that I wrote in 2012. Carlos and I continue to tread along together in the crazy world, that we call life.

Some utterly amazing news...We finally had a little girl! Since I can remember I knew that I wanted to have little girls. I wanted to love them and give them an amazing life like I never had growing up. I want that so much for all of my kids. We named her Juliet Gloriana. Our daughter Olivia named her Juliet based on the song "Love Story" by Taylor Swift. Gloriana I choose to honor my grandmother Gloria, who raised me like her own. Ana came from my best friend whom I don't know where I would be without.

I am still in the radical world of the financial industry, however I must say that I am growing old with it and I am trying still to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I have come to learn that no matter where you work, it is not how hard you work or how much schooling you have. It is about who you know and how much @$$ you are willing to kiss in order to get where you want.

As I continue to try to make my way towards getting my degree (slowly) I have learned that I am only one person and that I cannot do it all. I can try, but am only losing my insanity in the process. I still do not know how to prioritize. In my dream world, I would be a writer for a living, the house would clean it self up, I would have enough time to write while also having unlimited hours to play with my children. I would not have to worry about my bills, and I would be a genius and would obtain my degree within a year. Thats not my reality...

My reality is arguing with the husband, while trying to keep the kids from killing each other. I have a job that I am really good at, yet have no desire to keep going at. I feel like I am never going to get my degree, and I suffer from sleep deprivation... Ugh The only things that have remained the same is the constant pain that I suffer from due to my diagnosis of Fibromyalgia, the great friends the I have, the family and partner that I would give my life for, and my unwaivering faith in my Higher Power; the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Writing has always been a comfort for me. It helps me to release all the feelings that I keep bottled up and that kill me to the depths of my soul. I haven't written for a year and I am not who I used to be. No one realizes how good it feels to release everything and not have to swallow it like a lump in your throat. Try someday you will see what I mean.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Oh what a day...

Ahh appointments got to love them. You know it's going to be a fabulous day when right when u wake up and have a horrible nightmare about your family dying. Insane! At 3:30am I was googling my dream and it turns out that my dream means that my future is about to change dramatically and I am just afraid of those changes... I really am. Anytime I sense change I run. This time I just don't want too. (Cross your fingers.)

My appointments were too long, the kids were edgy, and Carlos & I were about to kill each other. (What's new about that.)

Then to top things off I left my flat iron at my new waitressing job or at least I thought I did and when I was leaving my car broke down. Captain Save A Hoe time.

Despite how bad my day was the end wasn't so bad... And now I just can't stop smiling. ;)

Oh what a day... Let's see what tomorrow has in store for me. I am very sure running is totally out of the question.

But if I don't will I still have interesting things to write about?

Monday, May 21, 2012

Phases

I believe that we go through so many different phases in our loves; different jobs, different friends, different significant others, but what amazes me is how quickly those things can change at once.

I am still spinning from all the changes that haven taken place in my life the past two weeks. People will always try to bring you down; while others try to bring you up.

Discovering the answers to what's good; what's bad. Who is real and who is fake?

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Stay At Home Mom Journey Day 4

My first few days as a stay at home have been amazingly harder than I expected. So far Alex has bathed the dog in my bath and sink and every where in between, everyone yells and cries, and I've gotten a double ear infection and a bumped head.

My aunt Jackie told me that being a stay at home mom is the hardest job I will ever have... And boy was she right! I don't think I really appreciated what Carlos has done around here until this week.

Gone are my business suits for sweats and diapers; business cards for runny noses and tantrums. Geez. I thought... "This is gonna be easy!" I was sadly mistaken..

Wish me luck!