Dear Me...

Dear Me,

How are you?  I look at you and you seem to be doing fine.  Are you? Last, I heard you were not too well. Things are going awry in your life, why are smiling so much? Oh, yea. It's because you fake it so no one knows. Knows how unhappy your life is. No one knows how much you want to just run away. Does anyone even know how much you cry every day? Would they even care? Years ago when you were rock bottom are starting to look real good right about now. At least then you were honest with yourself. You knew who you were and who you were with. Your life wasn't just one big lie! Who are you now? What happened to the person that loved herself, even with all her flaws. How do let someone make you so pathetic? What a joke. That you'd rather be back to your bad self, then the fake one that you are today. Your heart is so cold. You used to be a dreamer, even though you knew life was hard. You don't dream anymore. You look in the mirror and see reality in all it's disgusting glory. At least back then you had hope. Where's your hope now? I heard you let someone make you stupid. Haha dumb girl even the drugs told the truth. What happened to the girl who was so full of faith, love, and hope. Did you really let yourself become the pathetic loser of making your life about someone else's? I know you would do anything for kids, but did you ever think you would be subjected to this. No one knows what it's like, no one has a clue. Haha you cripple bitch what a fool!!! You sit there and smile and make small jokes to try and push it away, but guess what your stuck. Your misery is here to stay. He doesn't love you you idiot. He never has! You were the only one living in the fantasy of what you thought was love. The only thing that keeps you from crashing your car into a wall is the love of your kids, you better hold on tight. Your stuck, you're not loved, you're just a shell, a whore, a bitch, not even a woman! So he says.Haha what a joke you are that your family doesn't even love you. You forced to hear this all time. Can't take it back; can't hit rewind.Life is not short... It is VERY LONG. Good Luck...

Miserably Yours,
Myself

Dear Myself,

I am doing fine. I may not have been doing well, but I am now. Yea,so what if no one knows, I have always been a glass half full kind of person. I don't change one relationship for another and don't like everyone knowing business. Sure I have thought of running away, but then God puts things in perspective for me and its gone in a flash. Yes, I was crying a lot and I will admit I still cry at night. How could you not when you find out that the life that you have been living has all big one lie? No way would I ever go back to the old me. Yes, the drugs are the easy way out, but did you think that I'd let him win so easily? For a while I was struggling to find out who I really was. I lost my way and let someone else become my life. That is so easy for me. I am not the easiest person and I have made my share of mistakes, but what happens when the anger that someone has for you turns into hate? Reality has sunk it, I will say I am no longer a dreamer. At least, not for myself. But oh do I have big dreams for my children! That is why I must leave now. I want my children to dream and dream big! I want them to believe in the fairy tale of Happily Ever After, but yet still warn them how easily it can become a big disaster. Yea, his anger is crazy, but there was still so much too love. It wasn't when the negative outweighed the positive that I knew that I was ready to run. I cannot do that overnight, so many lives are at stake. How do I tell them that it is just us now? I will never talk badly about him to children, even though he says he is going to tell them its all my fault. I still have hope that by then he will grow up and finally see that lying to them is only hurting them, its not hurting me. I know I have Fibromyalgia and can sometimes not move. This was not my choice, there are even days that I can't even move! I know thats no ones fault and because I still love him I want to set him free. I am tired of the resentment, the anger, and the pain. I have enough of that in body, I don't need it in my soul, I am going insane. I could never be so selfish to hurt myself self too many people need me so. As for my family, what can you do? Having expectations of others will always make you blue. I am happy with who I am today although there are things I wish I could say. I am sorry are only words, but I know that I am, and never again will I stray. It's time to say its over, we have reached the end. Although we lost our foundation, I pray we can still be friends. He has changed in my life in good ways too. He's my best friend, the father of my kids, he is all I really knew. Life is too short so its time for me to fly... Broken Wing and All. Good Bye dear Pain Good Bye!

Hopefully Yours,
ME!!!!!