All in the Family...

     How far back do your memories go?  I have one real vivid memory from when I was small. At the most I could've been was two.  I am not sure on the age, but I remember being in a diaper!  It sounds far fetched, but it is true.  I somehow managed to get the front screen door opened and ran down the street ALONE.  I remember brightness and a hard wind rush past the side of my face... It was the wind of a car almost hitting me.  Another strong memory when I was little; it was the night my grandfather passed away.  I was only four years and and I remember him WELL, as if I had known him forever.

     My mom was a teen mom, my dad a teenager as well.  What were they thinking getting married at the ages of 15 & 18? Who does that? And she wasn't even pregnant! I don't get it.  Well I am lying I guess I do.  I followed in the same messed up footsteps and married so young.  You know that vicious cycle the statistics are always talking about? They weren't ready for marriage let alone parenthood.  They were kids themselves!   Neither was I, but like every idiot teenager out there I thought I know everything. When really I knew nothing at all.   There's a lot of details that have not been disclosed to me about what really happened between my parents to make them give me up to my grandparents and I have seriously giving up hope that I will ever know. What was so important? ; There's There's always three side to every story; his side, her side, and then there's the truth.  Regardless, no matter what reasons I ended up being raised by my grandparents.  I guess you could say that I was lucky to at least have them (And I was, they were the greatest!) But there is nothing like having your parents want no you and raise you.

     I can picture my grandparents together, I can hear them snoring (It sounded like a symphony & would lull me to sleep), I can smell them (like Ben-Gay & coffee), and I can remember the way my grandfather would scratch my head to put me to sleep at night.  My grandfather adored me. My grandmother too.  And I adored them too.  The day that he died I couldn't understand the finality of the situation, but I could tell that nothing was ever going to be the same and it wasn't.

     If my mom was lost before from having a husband, a child, a divorce and giving up that child at such a young age, then losing the one man who loved her unconditionally was the straw that broke the camel's back. My mother was in her early twenties when she lost her father and didn't handle it well.  She drank to wash the loss away. Life wasn't very fair to her.  Who decides who wins & who loses in the game of life?  Who makes the decsion to place that one person in your life who would forever change you as a person? She saw too many things and went through too much.  She grew up way too fast and  couldn't stop it as her life spiraled out of control.

    Time goes on; Life passes you by. Time is something there has never been enough of and too much of all at the same time. When your a child... times goes by so slowly.  As you grow older it speeds out of control.

    My fondest memories of my grandparents together is when they would lay down and watch All in the Family together.  Who doesn't love Archie & Edith? And who could forget Gloria & Mike the Meat head?  I still watch that show today on TV Land.  Even if for only 20 minutes, it takes me back of the love and happiest time of my life.  Isn't it sad that been a toddler is the most happiest time of my life?

Life has not always been so good to me... But I keep on, keep smiling, stay strong, & trust in God.

     My grandfather "J" is the only father I have ever known.  My biological father, my sperm donor named "Ike" is around and by that I mean alive.  Once a year he comes to my hometown to pretend to be a grandfather to my children.  He's more like Santa Claus, because he gives them some gifts hangs out for a few sad days then leaves. It's pathetic really. More than likely if it wasn't for my awesome step mom he wouldn't even bother those few days. 

     Did you know that I recieved a card from him & my step family the other day wishing me a Happy Birthday?  Sweet gesture right?  WRONG.  Guess what?  It wasn't my birthday, it was "Haven's."When it was my birthday I didn't get jack.  Wait I am lying, he has done more than he ever has.  He texted me happy birthday late at night after I am sure he found out from his sister, my aunt whom I have on facebook.

     I know I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, so many girls are without a dad.  I don't care.  This is about me. I am 30 years old and it still kills me to watch a father/daughter dance and to hear friends say how their dad did things with them.  I always act like stone.  I shouldn't care.  I mean the man is strangely close to the person who assaulted me at the age of 12 and has always given his step children the best, while I was raised on the charity of my uncles, aunts, and grandmother. (More on Survival later.) He says that all I want from his is money (By the way this is when I asked him for gas to go visit him when I had a cashier job making minimum wage.) I could care less about his money.  I am still struggling whether having him in my kids lives at all is such a good idea at all? 

     When I was going to be married I assumed that being his own biological child he would be more than happy & willing to help and you know what I answer I got for his help? I can only help a little cause your step sister is getting married and I have to pay for her wedding.  SLAP... OUCH... He did it yet again.  Just like when I was a child and he used to come and visit me and then sit my step sister "Haven" on his lap...  SLAP SLAP, Double Ouch.  Again, you would never believe what you could remember if you thought hard enough.  I had to have been 5 years old.

     I have gotten over a lot of this (Can't you tell?) Oh, it was way worse... At the age of 18, I couldn't stand him so badly that I had my last name legally changed so I had no connectionor tie to his side of the family at all.

All I have ever wanted was a dad.  And the only real dad I ever had was taken from me after 4 years.  Way to short. 

     I have tried several times to reconnect with him, but every time that I do he does or says something that does the whole SLAP thing and so I decided I had to find away to HONOR my FATHER and still be able to maintain my sanity, so the only way to do that is to stay away from him all together.  Sure, I wish I could have him in my life, but there is no bond & sadly probably never will be, so I will never have my father/daughter dance. I will never have anyone to walk me down the aisle.  And I have accepted that, but it saddens my heart all the same.

     My mom was gone most of my life too, but at least I saw her on a somewhat regular basis.  She was young when she had me (16 and pregnant)  and it makes me ill that I believe her story that "Ike" threw away her birth control pills because he wanted a child that he never gave a crap about.  What was the point?

     My mom is the youngest of 9 children.  Yes, I did say 9!  There are 6 boys and 3 girls and their was no cable or Facebook back then to keep them entertained.  Some have said that she was spoiled by my grandfather and that made her rotten.  Some even said that she was pregnant with me at my parents wedding.  I must be a horse, because like a horse I was born 13 months AFTER.  Don't you just appreciate family gossip?

     My mother "B" and I have never seen eye to eye.  The bond was never there to make that mother/daughter connection.  I remember when she would come to visit me and I would block the front door and beg her not to leave again.  I was about 5 or 6.  Once, to make me stop crying she sang "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" so I would believe I would get presents if I did.  I still hate that damn song.  That was the same Christmas she bought me my Hugga Bunch doll Patooty.  I still have her.  She's like a sister.  No matter how much I begged or cried she always left. 

     I always had this hole in my heart; some sort of void.  Something has always been missing.  Don't misunderstand me.  My grandmother did EVERYTHING for me.  Maybe too much.  But I always felt like I didn't belong.  I would always wonder what I had done wrong or was I not good enough?  How come they didn't want me?  I would pray all the time so that I could be better so that my mom and dad would see they made a mistake and that I was a good kid and that they would come and get me. 

That never happened... 

     My mother did something for me that my father did not.  She has earned my forgiveness.  At least she has told me that she was sorry. I am still waiting for an apology from my father for disserting me, but I doubt I will ever get it.

     My mother has became a wonderful grandmother. Everything she didn't do for me she does for my children. It's not about the money. Money can't buy love or happiness. My mother plays with them, takes care of them, wipes their tears, and puts them in line when they don't do whats right.  She is there for them.  That is why I have been able to forgive her completely.  She wants to give them all the things she just couldn't give me, because she started her life way too fast. She doesn't leave me anymore.

    We could bust out the cheese for the whine I have gone on about, but all the things that don't kill you do make you stronger.  I look at my children and can't imagine or understand how they let me go. I couldn't.  I almost lost my children.  And when faced with the reality and choice.  I CHOSE THEM.  They did teach me something; something HUGE.  The lesson from this is that I learned what kind of parent that I don't want to be.  That just has to be enough.

     This is only the beginning, there is so much more to be said... This only describes the first 5 years of my life.  I am telling my story piece by piece, not only for my own healing, but by the time I am finished if I have helped one person to accept and love who they are then it is all worth it.  You can make it through anything.  "I can do all things through Christ who strengths me." 

     Hey wait! I did have a Father all along, and thats my wonderful God.  And this Father has never let me down or left me behind.  He was there for my father/daughter dance and he was there wiping all my tears away.  I was never alone after all.
Til next time, Gen